Q&A: What do teenagers need from their parents?

UNIVERSITY PARK, Pa. — Parents say they just want their teenage children to be happy, but often, they struggle to simply get along in the same house, according to Greg Fosco, professor of human development and family studies and Edna Bennett Pierce Faculty Fellow in Prevention Research at Penn State.

Fosco, a parent of two children, has studied adolescents and their roles in families for almost two decades, and his research has demonstrated how much teens and parents need to trust and support each other. He has published more than 100 papers on how families can support or erode an adolescent’s healthy development and sense of well-being, including a recent article in the journal Family Process revealing that when adolescents perceive a less stable relationship with their parents, their well-being suffers.

In this Q&A, Fosco spoke about how parents can best support their teenage child’s growth and well-being.

Q: What are the most important ways to support a teenager’s growing sense of independence?

Fosco: As parents, it is our job to help our children safely grow into independent adults. To facilitate this, talk to your children about where they will be and who they will be with. But when you do this, remember that it is normal for teenagers to sometimes lie as they explore their values and independence.

Another important step is getting to know the parents of your child’s friends. If your son says he is spending the night at his friend’s house, you can call the friend’s parents and ask if you can send snacks with your son. This is a friendly, supportive gesture, and — as a bonus — it helps you confirm whether your son is telling the truth.

You don’t want to stifle your child’s choices or independence, but with a network of parents who know each other’s children and what is going on, you can head off a lot of trouble before it begins.

The research on parental monitoring is crystal clear. Teens engage in fewer unhealthy risks and have better mental health when their parents are regularly aware of the teen’s activity. This is so powerful there is even a halo effect — if you stay aware of your child’s behavior, their closest friends are less likely to engage in negative, risky behavior. In contrast, children who are tightly controlled by their parents during adolescence can struggle to establish healthy romantic relationships and often perform worse in school.

Q: How does encouraging flourishing help teens avoid problems like substance use and depression?

Fosco: If you ask parents what they want for their children, you usually get answers like, ‘I want them to be happy,’ or ‘I want them to lead a full life.’ Yet, for many years, research on adolescence focused on what we don’t want for our children — delinquency, smoking and depression.

But the absence of problems is not the same as thriving. Flourishing — a state of purpose, high-functioning and happiness — gives us a target to strive for. These traits empower a young person’s ability to grow, live independently and pursue their dreams. Preliminary results from a current study indicate that youth with a sense of purpose also have lower suicide rates, higher academic engagement and better relationships.

In a recent study, we found that adolescents who have more life satisfaction or life purpose are less emotionally reactive to daily stressors. In other words, on challenging days, they don’t have strong emotional reactions. On the other hand, kids without this sense of purpose are more dysregulated by the ups and downs of life.

Our medical field gives diagnoses for the presence of problems, but there is no diagnosis for ‘thriving’ or ‘flourishing.’ In a way, this has been a barrier to devoting enough attention to promoting flourishing. Prior research suggests only about 20% of adolescents have a sense of purpose in life, while another 60% are exploring purpose but have not locked in. This means that the vast majority feel lost and without direction to some extent.

Q: How can parents help their teens develop a sense of purpose?

Fosco: Try to practice autonomy-supportive parenting, which involves the balancing act of fostering your teen’s independence by giving them choices in their lives while also maintaining boundaries.

A parent can’t decide their child’s purpose; you can’t tell anyone what matters to them. Instead, a parents’ job is to help their child identify what is personally important. Parents can listen carefully when their children share their interests and support them in learning more or participating in those activities. This might be providing transportation, sharing in children’s excitement or even volunteering to help events occur.

Not every interest will help your child develop a sense of purpose, but parental support provides the foundation a child needs to confidently explore what brings them happiness — even if it’s different from what their parent finds joy in.

What’s more, we need to be supportive even when we do not see the value of a child’s activities. Many parents worry about video games, for example. In moderation, video games can build valuable skills. Occasionally, gaming can even lead to careers, but even when gaming is just for relaxation, a healthy amount of leisure is very important.

Parents only need to intervene when video games — or whatever interest — interferes with other important life activities, such as sleep, schoolwork, family responsibilities or relationships. You need to look for signs that an interest is harming your child without assuming harm just because your child is making different choices than you would.

This type of parenting builds stronger relationships and trust with your child. You avoid fighting about things that are innocuous — like normal video gaming that you dislike — so that you have the credibility when you need to address something that harms your child’s well-being.

Q: Why does this trust between teens and parents matter?

Fosco: A few years ago, we conducted a study that I think about all the time. It demonstrated the other side of the same coin we found with our most recent study, where teens with more fragile relationships with their caregivers have a decreased sense of well-being.

In the older study, parents and children recorded how close they felt to one another every day. On days children felt close to their parents, they felt happier and had a stronger sense of meaning and purpose in their lives.

Our findings amazed me because they revealed that the impact of connections with parents — or teens— isn’t just ‘in the eye of the beholder.’ For example, on days when teens felt more connected to their parents, they experienced more well-being, meaning and purpose.

What really struck me is that their parents feelings of connection to the teen added to adolescents’ well-being those days. The same was true for parents: their own feelings and their child’s feelings of connection both contributed to parent’s daily well-being. Close relationships are a shared experience — we are affected by how our relationships feel to others, not just ourselves.

Q: How can parents get closer to their teens?

Fosco: First and foremost, remember that love is an essential nutrient for flourishing. Do not stop demonstrating affection for your child.

In adolescence, children often become less comfortable with displays of affection, especially in front of their peers. Parents sometimes feel rejected and stop, but teens still need to feel love. Find ways — through trial and error — to let your child know they are loved. You can almost certainly find a way that works for you and doesn’t embarrass your child.

Also, look for small opportunities when your child reaches out. Teens spend a lot of time not talking to their parents, so when they bring something up, try to engage with curiosity and not judgment.

Adolescents bring stuff up at weird times, and you might be trying to fix a meal or leave for work. Whenever you can, though, you need to fight the urge to move forward with your task. Pay attention to your child and ask questions like, ‘What was that like?' or ‘How did that feel for you?’ If you are attentive when they give you an opportunity, it might open the door to learning what is really on your child’s mind.

Finally, schedule fun things to do with your child, even if for only 15 minutes every week. Base it on what you both like — maybe playing a game of cards or shooting hoops.

Stopping to have fun matters.

When your child is grown and leaves the house, you will remember these moments with nostalgia, not because you are putting on rose-tinted glasses but because these moments matter in helping your child feel accepted, appreciated and supported.

It’s good for parents, too. Taking delight in your children adds value to your life. My kids are hilarious. We need to create opportunities to create these small treasures. That’s where the action is: the small stuff.